I Will Bid Farewell
by Focker9191
Summary: With her memories gone, She is left to wonder if her friends are even real if the adventure ever happened.


Hey to all. This is a songfic based on "A Bid Farewell" by Killswitch Engage. I don't own the song! It's post game Kairi centered, or so we think. Anyway, if you really like please head over to and give it a review (or 2 or 3) or shoot me an email at My s/n there is focker919. Enjoy.

A Bid Farewell

White walls. Sheer white for as far as the eye can see. Welcome to my world. For countless time now this has been my world; four bleak, white walls with white nurses dressed in white gowns and white aprons bringing me food on, you guessed it, a white tray with the worthless white plastic silverware. I know this place is supposed to help me, but the absolute bleakness of it seems to be driving me more insane than ever.

But do they listen? Of course not, the doctors and experts know better than the strange little rejects sitting within the blank, white walls of the solitary confinement area of the local hospital.

I got sent here along with my two "imaginary" friends. The same friends that plague my mind, my thoughts, my very soul every single day of my existence. The doctors said something to the effect that my brain had received damage from lack of oxygen when I was lost out at sea. I'm not really sure what they said beyond that, I was more out of whack than normal due to the medications they had me taking while in the recovery room.

From what I have been told, I built the raft entirely by myself. I went out to the small island that the raft was sitting on and set sail, only to wash up on the beach a couple of days later. No one could explain how I survived the trip, or how I revived once back on land.

_I will bid farewell, sever the ties  
This is all I am, this is all that's left  
Turn from deceit, the love of self is death  
Deliverance is given to you  
_

I can't really remember anything from before that, my first memory is coughing up saltwater and struggling for breath while looking up into two large blue eyes sitting under spiky blonde hair. Before that day, everything is a blur. I can recall a name, a face to accompany that name if I'm lucky, and if it's a really, really good day, I might get a small event or happenstance.

Memory or not, I saw those blue eyes and blonde spikes just before anyone else came into view. I closed my eyes, thankful to be alive. When I opened them, though, those eyes where gone; they were replaced by some screaming adult running towards me as fast as his stubby little legs would carry him.

The screaming man crouched down beside me and called for some other people that must have been with him. I collapsed again, completely exhausted, and awoke within the recovery room of the island hospital. The doctors started the routine examinations and procedures, always making sure that I was doped up on enough medicine to keep me alive.

After a couple of days, the doctors started asking me questions about what happened out at sea, how I revived, if I knew who was, where I lived; the routine questions to complete the paperwork. What wasn't routine was the fact that no matter what I seemed to tell them, it wasn't true.

There had never been a boy with spiky blonde hair and big blue eyes present the night I was found; there was no large black cloud and massive storm the day I left, not even a small rain shower; my address wasn't even the same of what it used to be; My name wasn't what it used to be. I gave them all of the answers, down to the smallest detail, and no matter what I said or what came to mind, none of it seemed to add up to the information the doctors had.

They said they would give me another week, I was still traumatized from the ordeal and loopy from the drugs. They were wrong. I was in perfect mentality as I answered their questions, so when the came back in a week I gave them the exact same answers. At this point those stupid doctors said they were "worried" about me and sent me off to a psychiatric ward under the premonition that I had brain trauma due to lack of oxygen from when I was floating out at sea.

_I will bid farewell,  
Sever the ties  
Now your heart beats black with deception, you have been forsaken  
Leave behind (I will) all reminders of you  
_

I never left that ward. I walked in, doomed to never walk out. I knew what I saw that fateful night I washed up on shore; I knew that there had been a huge, black, ominous storm that night; I knew there was a blonde spiky haired kid with big blue eyes; I knew there was a mature acting silver haired teen. I knew they existed, why didn't anyone else?

During the time I have spent in this white washed room, various memories have drifted in and out of my head. They all support what I knew, but at times they seemed to contradict each other. In one memory, the silver haired boy would try and save me; the next, he was trying to kill me. In another memory, the spiky blonde was joking around with silver; in the next they were holding locked blades in a fight to the death. In the next memory, both boys were absent altogether; they were replaced with a tall witch and powerful man with hair more white than my room.

None of the memories seemed to add up. At first I thought I was just missing parts of the story; the rest of my memories would eventually surface and it would all make sense. Its been multiple years now and that has yet to happen. Maybe the doctors were right, maybe the whole thing was just a dimension within my mind created to cope with the trauma from being ship wreaked out at sea.

_I will bid farewell  
To all lies  
I will bid farewell  
Sever the ties_

"Rikku?" A soft voice drifted in from behind the door along with a soft knock.

"Come on in," I said with a hint of bitterness in my voice. The nurses only came for one of two reasons, to give my some medication or to take me to another counseling session.

"It's time. Follow me please." The nurse said from just inside the doorway.

Interesting, I thought. A new nurse, a new face. What was strange, though, was that the face of the nurse was absurdly familiar. I couldn't place my finger on it, but I knew this nurse from somewhere. She had never been in the hospital before, at least not around me. That meant that she had to be in one of my memories, there was no other explanation of why she was so familiar.

As I got up and walked to the door, I tried to steal a glance at her name tag, but long red hair covered the small, gold plate. The new nurse took me down the exact same hallways I had been walking weekly for the past few years, the halls that led to the local shrink. I could probably walk these halls blindfolded, why did they still insist on guiding me there?

We turned the final corner and walked up to a large, wooden door. This was a very different part of the hospital, there was actually some color and life in the place. I walked into the room after the nurse tapped the door lightly. "Come in Selphie." Slowly stepping over to the normal long seat that all patients sat in, I looked around the room in awe. This was pretty much the only color I got ever see, so I always made sure to go slowly and suck up as much of it as I could.

"So, Rikku, how are things with you today? I hope you are doing well." Before I even got the chance to open my mouth and answer his question, the motor-mouthed doctor started talking once again. "Time is limited, so lets get started, shall we? First off; What is your name?"

I opened my mouth to say Kairi, just like I always had. I caught myself from speaking the accursed word just before it rolled off my tongue. "Ri-Rikku. My name is Rikku."

_Searching, always searching  
Hoping for a change  
I will never be satisfied  
I will now bid farewell_

The doctor looked up with a puzzled look on his face, he obviously wasn't expecting me to say anything out of the ordinary. For over a year I had been giving him the exact same answers to the exact same questions, I can't really blame him for being surprised that I was handing him the answers he wanted on a silver platter.

"What did you say your name was again?" he asked more his own sake than mine that time.

"Rikku, you heard me, my name is Rikku. I live on the second island, 4th house on the right down Mainstreet. I have no siblings, just one mother for a parent, and no other known relatives. Anything else you would like to tell you about my life?"_  
_

"What happened to Sora and Riku and Kairi, though? You still seemed to believe in them with unbending certainty just a month ago. What made you change your mind?"

"The more I seem to remember about them, the more I seem to contradict myself. I've spent the last month in that white hell-hole doing nothing but thinking. At one point, we are all friends, the next enemies in a fight to the death, the next they aren't even there. The more I remember about them, the more I realize that it doesn't make sense. What's the point of believing something like that if it means that I have to live here? I wouldn't have let go of them if it made even the slightest amount of sense; trust me on that one."

After writing a few lines in his little file on me, he proceeded with the normal questioning. About and hour passed of me handing him ever answer that he wanted to hear, he called in the nurse and had me led back to my room. There wasn't anything unusual about the trip back, which left me wondering if the shrink had seen through my façade of simply feeding him the wanted answers.

My answer came the next week when I was summoned to the physiatrist's office. Everything was done as it had always been done, the nurse called me, led me to the office, and laid down on the long couch, the doctor asked some questions, but that's where the normality ended. He started asking new questions, he started asking about _them_ directly…he had never done that before. Many questions referred to them, but none of them were concerned with the details of each person, each place, each event.

"Nurse, take Miss Rikku here to room 429 in the east wing." Turing around in his chair, he pulled out a small recording device. Using hushed whispers just loud enough for me to hear them, he muttered, "Showing dramatic improvement and is being upgraded to independent living and kept under supervision until further notice. Scheduled for another appointment in one week and for a tentative rehabilitation session starting after the appointment. If the improvement continues, upgrade to the halfway house with full release possible within one month."

I could barely contain the emotion I was feeling as I walked out of the office. We walked a new path, to a part of the hospital that I had never seen before. After entering my new home, I took a minute to see what it had to offer. The color selection wasn't a huge improvement, as the walls where still whitewashed. However, it had a bed with light blue sheets with a matching hanging screen. At least there was something colored in the room.

_I will bid farewell  
To all lies_

I laid down on my new bed with a sigh. It had been 5 weeks since I had lied that first fateful lie to get out of that damned hospital. I had managed to fool the psychiatrist enough to get out of there, but not enough to fool myself. While I had mentally convinced myself that the story was just a crazy story I concocted without knowing it, something still told me it happened. No matter how hard I tried a small part of me had yet to let go.

Over the last year or so, that voice, that part of me that refused to let go has become smaller and smaller and weaker and weaker. I roll over in bed, tired and confused with fighting with myself for so long. I knew that I had to make a decision, and make it soon. Either I believed in the crazy story and live the rest of my life in despair and loneliness or I had to give up hope and bid farewell to them all.

I fell asleep, depressed and confused. I awoke with tears still stuck to my cheek and a heavy heart. Not wanting to be cooped up in my now colorful room, I figured maybe a late night walk would help me calm my nerves. It was around three thirty in the morning so I wasn't too worried about running into other people and having answer if more questions, especially the ones I didn't have the answer to. Questions like "what wrong?" and "can I help?" If I don't know what's wrong, how could I possibly know how to fix it?

I wondered through the many streets completely aimlessly, so deeply lost within my own thoughts I didn't notice that my feet had somehow managed to walk me to the old beach that I used to play on. I sat down, worn out both mentally and physically (it was over 2 miles from my new house to this beach).

Giving my mind a break, I picked up some of the soft sand and watched as it slowly fell through my fingers. Just like me I thought, I was slowly sifting through my own fingers, my mind slowly deteriorating. I could feel the tears starting to roll down my face again, going from a slow trickle to an outright downpour.

I was left without brain function, I was completely overpowered by my confused emotions. Not having the energy left to support my own body weight, I turned and laid my head down in the sand and looked towards the stars. Slowly, very slowly, I began to run through what I could remember of the S-K-R adventure, as I had named it.

One final time I thought, I will enjoy the memories this one last time. I had made the choice, and I chose my own well being over something that might not even be real. Even if the memory was real, I doubt this Sora and Riku would want me living this way anyway. Yea…this is how they would want it either way.

With this final thought for them, I bid a final farewell to Sora; a final farewell to Riku. As I lay there in the sand, I let out 2 more tears, tears just for them. And as those tears fall down my face and join the tides, I witness two stars blink out of the sky…

_I will bid farewell  
Sever the ties_

Hoped you all enjoyed that. Just to clear up any foggy waters, the character was Kairi. But because of the brain trauma from the accident, she actually made up the entirety of Kingdom Hearts (or so we are led to believe, think what you want. The ending was left open for a reason) along with the identity and personality of Kairi. In this "real world" she was Riku. Hope that made things a little simpler if you were confused. Enjoy.


End file.
